We’ve all got our indulgences. Mine range from Kelly Clarkson tunes to favorite sweatpants to Diet Dr. Pepper to chick flicks. (Wow, those make me seem like a total girly-girl, don’t they?)

This semester I’m taking a class on substance abuse. Starting on September 1st, we are to abstain from something we like and consume or use regularly–for seven weeks. It’s called a simulated abstinence project, and the idea is that we might be able to better relate to an individual who has decided to abstain from substances after a period of abuse. It’s my personal opinion that we all have the capacity for excess. That doesn’t mean that every person who picks up a glass of wine will inevitably become an alcoholic. I think it means that as humans we’re prone to idolizing pleasure. Be it alcohol or books, internet or shopping…we’re really not that different.

So are you wondering yet what I’ve decided I’ll give up? You had a clue earlier. Yep, Diet Dr. Pepper. Actually, I won’t be drinking soda of any kind for at least the seven weeks of the project. I won’t be abstaining from caffeine altogether, just soda. I realize I open myself up to all kinds of reactions here, namely the people in my life who already don’t drink soda and might be quick to explain why I should never touch the stuff. But I’ve also met people who think Kelly Clarkson is lame, and that chick flicks are a waste of time and money. The issue isn’t the substance itself, it’s what it represents. It’s the same reason I’m this close to giving up my iPhone in exchange for a simpler, internet-less phone. I depend on that technology to entertain me. I’m addicted to it, if you will.

Like I said, we’ve all got our idols, our addictions, our indulgences…our excuses, our explanations. I sure do. So today, I’ll have a soda. I’ll savor it and enjoy every last potentially-cancer-causing particle, because starting tomorrow, it’s off limits. And I’m psyched.

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Fresh coffee with coconut milk creamer? Check.
Bags upstairs that need to be unpacked and then repacked later today for another housesitting gig? Check.
iPhone photos backed up for the first time since June? Check.

Classes start next Monday. My fourth semester of grad school will be underway, with plenty of projects and papers and meetings. I told someone last week that I am progressively less excited for the school year with every passing September. (Think about it. I’ve been in school EVERY year since at least preschool. More than 20 years…) And I love school, I do. But summer’s pretty amazing. Let’s do a short recap of some of this year’s highlights (which were so different from last year’s, but just as meaningful…do I ever live a blessed life…).

Yosemite rocked.
Just before leaving for the Philippines, I managed to sneak up to Yosemite for a day to join my family for the big Matas family camping extravaganza. All of my Dad’s siblings, their kids, and even my grandma…we had so much fun. And the meal my uncle cooked for dinner the night I was there goes down in camp food history. It was amazing. We did some hiking and some campfire and some swimming in the (very cold) Merced River. I dig my family.

There was that trip to the Philippines…
…after which things will never be the same. Not a day goes by that something about the Philippines or Threads of Hope doesn’t sneak into conversation. Saturday’s trip report was wonderful. To see the entire team together again for the first time since arriving back home…there was definitely some fighting back tears. It was such a warm gathering of family and friends.

Mmm…Washington.
The last-minute roadtrip up to Washington, loaded with sweet memories. To have spent the first days of a new relationship in the company of as wonderful a couple as Alex and Chris…the many long-awaited hugs from old friends…the free coffee at Washington rest stops. As the edges around each day blur, I look back on this week with more and more sweetness. It characterized a summer, really.

Family vacation!
Just two days after getting home from Washington, Mom and Dad swung by to pick me up for family vacation. I haven’t been able to go on our yearly vacation to Southern California to stay with Gigi and Aunt Judy in probably three years, so this was a treat. We spent two days in Disneyland, went to my brother’s college graduation, a baby shower for my Dad’s cousin, the beach, and my cousin’s wedding in La Jolla…and that really only covers the major highlights. There were countless moments–like sister snuggling and shrimp tacos and giggling with my aunts–that fill in all the minutes I’ll remember long after summer’s freckles have faded.

There were a few jumps, here and there, and a handful of gym visits, and even my first kayaking outing (which was awesome, by the way)…so those things are still part of my life. Summer’s been pretty great, even if it did scream by at lightspeed. And I’ll admit once school gets going I’ll probably think that’s pretty great too…but that’s just between you and me, mmkay?

How was your summer?

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Missing the Philippines and being stopped in my tracks by memories of moments there is not at all like I thought it would be. I’ve missed places and people before…deeply. And I’ve been trying to figure out “what I learned”. (The team has a trip report on Saturday and we’re all supposed to share and I have no idea what to say.) It seems to me like there’s supposed to be some overarching theme, some easy-to-share event or life-changing moment that I need to relay. Friends want to hear about the Philippines. They want to know what happened and what it was like and what I learned. And I want to share those things but I just don’t know what they are!

Except that I do. In the many months leading up to the trip, I fought hard through feelings of displacement and failure and doubt. I lost myself in striving and trying to see the purpose of my circumstances, instead of being present. In the weeks just before July, I was content. I trusted. I had seen God come through and without meaning to sound flippant–I didn’t care what He did. I didn’t care what people thought, and I wasn’t nervous. If I was supposed to be there, or here, or anywhere, I would be.

So I don’t have a miraculous story or a string of adventures to relay about what happened in the Philippines. I can say that I love it there, that I am happy there, that the place and the people are close to my heart and that I would not hesitate for one moment to go back–for a day, for a month, for a year. I’m happy to share moments, like how reading over the sweet notes from the girls in my VBS group makes me smile as I picture their beautiful faces and spirits…or how dipping my toes in the South China Sea each morning as the sun was coming up awakened and prepared my spirit for the day in a way that even the best morning walk here in town can’t touch.

The part of me that likes to doubt and suppose and plan gets frustrated these days, wishing it had some place to put these otherwise uncategorizable feelings. But the part of me that trusts and waits and wants to experience today’s peace is getting stronger. I am not afraid of the unknown. My God provides and cares for those He loves, though I’ve done nothing to warrant as much. I’ve done nothing worthy of earning the right to breathe, and yet here I am surrounded by people and places and things that bless and comfort me over and over.

So then…how do I condense this into a three-minute “trip report”? Any ideas?

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I figured since I’m mostly over the jet lag and lack of conventional appetite it was probably time for another trip report…so here goes.

Even though I was only in the Philippines a short time, some days I find myself craving the simplicity of missionary life as it compares to the complexity of some of the things back home. It feels like I complicate my life for no good reason sometimes, with worries and obligations and perceptions and fears that really aren’t necessary. Every day while I was abroad, I had more and more opportunities to commit my insecurities and worries to God, trusting his ability to do anything and everything. Here, I find myself having to learn the same lessons over and over again and not trusting him with the same measure of faith that seemed to come easier while in the Philippines.

Yesterday I was in the grocery store, buying a mango and various dinner supplies (after a wonderful midafternoon snack of garlic rice at the Filipino restaurant nearby) and acutely felt a collision of worlds as I gathered my bag to leave. You see, my first evening back in town, we went to the farm market for our groceries. It felt good to artificially preserve simplicity as we browsed the stands with our market bags, sampling fresh produce. It was sunny and warm. Fast forward to yesterday, where few in the supermarket would even make eye contact, and I felt cold and enclosed. I wanted desperately to be elsewhere.

Today, if I had to pick the thing I miss the most about the Philippines, it would be the openness. Literally and figuratively. Not only are people more open there, but the buildings are as well. Especially in the hours following the midday heat, it is exceedingly more pleasant to be outside instead of inside, where the fans cease to hum during the frequent brownouts. So much takes place outside, and even inside, windows stay open and to me it just feels less separate. And for a girl who gets soul-sick with too much separation and too many hours indoors…let’s just say I don’t struggle with a need for my world to be sterile and clean and perfect all the time. Having a little dirt under my fingernails is pretty standard.

But then I suppose those are just things I like about travel, period. Movement, simplicity, adventure, new friends…it’s not just in the Philippines. Trusting that basic needs will be met, and that the rest of them are luxuries…these are things I can be and do back home. (It’s funny, I find myself referring to wherever I happen to be sleeping on any given night as “home” during that day.) There are few things I need in this world, and while my trip to the Philippines didn’t make me feel like I was living an extravagant life with excessive trappings, it did serve to emphasize the importance of the few things that matter most to me. What I’m supposed to do with myself now, I have no idea. I’m just taking it one day at a time.

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