Missing the Philippines and being stopped in my tracks by memories of moments there is not at all like I thought it would be. I’ve missed places and people before…deeply. And I’ve been trying to figure out “what I learned”. (The team has a trip report on Saturday and we’re all supposed to share and I have no idea what to say.) It seems to me like there’s supposed to be some overarching theme, some easy-to-share event or life-changing moment that I need to relay. Friends want to hear about the Philippines. They want to know what happened and what it was like and what I learned. And I want to share those things but I just don’t know what they are!
Except that I do. In the many months leading up to the trip, I fought hard through feelings of displacement and failure and doubt. I lost myself in striving and trying to see the purpose of my circumstances, instead of being present. In the weeks just before July, I was content. I trusted. I had seen God come through and without meaning to sound flippant–I didn’t care what He did. I didn’t care what people thought, and I wasn’t nervous. If I was supposed to be there, or here, or anywhere, I would be.
So I don’t have a miraculous story or a string of adventures to relay about what happened in the Philippines. I can say that I love it there, that I am happy there, that the place and the people are close to my heart and that I would not hesitate for one moment to go back–for a day, for a month, for a year. I’m happy to share moments, like how reading over the sweet notes from the girls in my VBS group makes me smile as I picture their beautiful faces and spirits…or how dipping my toes in the South China Sea each morning as the sun was coming up awakened and prepared my spirit for the day in a way that even the best morning walk here in town can’t touch.
The part of me that likes to doubt and suppose and plan gets frustrated these days, wishing it had some place to put these otherwise uncategorizable feelings. But the part of me that trusts and waits and wants to experience today’s peace is getting stronger. I am not afraid of the unknown. My God provides and cares for those He loves, though I’ve done nothing to warrant as much. I’ve done nothing worthy of earning the right to breathe, and yet here I am surrounded by people and places and things that bless and comfort me over and over.
So then…how do I condense this into a three-minute “trip report”? Any ideas?
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Hey Sis, just share your heart like you did in this blog. God works when we give HIM our availability, and allow him to draw others to Him. I love you!—Mom
[Reply]
Katie,
You did a great job of doing just what you said you werent sure how to do. Sometimes people that have not experienced what you had the privelige of experiencing wont be able to understand. Thats ok. God gives us all nuggets of gold in life for only us to enjoy BUT for his glory. Just as you were saying about not getting snapshots with your camera as a memory. This will always be a great memory for you and the people that you touched and who touched you will always be in your heart! Maybe some day you will go back for a visit or even for a longer time? You will do just fine as you share Saturday, I look forward to hearing:)
Love Rhonda
[Reply]